The Most Beautiful of Gifts from the Hardest of Journeys

Mother Daughter Love- Photo Credit: Sassy Root Studios


"For this child I prayed, and the Lord hath answered my prayer." 1 Samuel 1:27

As I snuggled in tonight and breathed in every bit of her two year old sweetness, I couldn't help but tear up. My sweet AnnaBelle Fay, who's namesake is a combination of strong women in our family, will be three years old tomorrow. What a whirlwind her three years have been, oh but what joy and love they have brought our family in just three, short years. I held her extra tightly tonight, knowing that in the morning, she'll be a whole 'nother year older.

My journey to motherhood was not one of ease; it really symbolizes my coming of faith for the mountains were high and the valleys were oh so low. My sweet hubby and I married in 2007 with high hopes of building our family together. We were beyond thrilled to find out we were expecting at the end of July 2008. We had a beautiful, strong heartbeat on that chilly September, Monday morning. The OB said we were safe to share our news, and boy did we. We were SKY HIGH with excitement and full of praises for our sweet baby. However, the next morning our world came crashing down. I awoke to some minor cramping and just felt awful, so I stayed home. As the cramps got worse, so did my anxiety. Much to my absolute dismay, that dreadful day in September, just days before our first anniversary, I suffered through a miscarriage...we suffered. I was just shy of 10 weeks, it was all supposed to be okay. Oh how my heart shattered as I've never felt so betrayed, helpless, angry, and like a failure all at once. Even as I type this, my heart swells thinking of my sweet angel. Yet, as I look back now, nearly 7 years ago, I can see clearly that God would work through this pain, to bring me closer to Him in a way I never thought possible.

I stumbled, through the tears, onto an online support group called Daily Strength. It was just what I needed...to know that I was not alone, this was not a "rarity", and that I had support each and every day. To this day, I am close with and have met several of the ladies who helped to build me to where I am today. These women cried with me through blog posts (journals) and phone calls...they prayed with me and reminded me that God always brings beauty from the pain. (And one in particular, my sweet Ruth--yes you--you will always be my angel on earth, who saved me many a days.)

I was baptized as a young teen and have been in the church all of my life, but it wasn't until that moment, when no one else and nothing else could bring me peace that I realized the pure strength and presence of our Lord. I cried out in anger, anguish, pain, and just absolute need...it was then that I truly felt the peace of the Lord transcend over me. It was then that I learned that not I alone...that I could not accomplish this or anything other task without Him. I learned to delve into scripture, to read my bible and let it speak to me, and learned how to really pray, expecting His response, whether yes or no, or right now.

Many do not know, but we have two angel babies. We had another miscarriage on New Year's Day 2009. I still remember sitting there, in pure disbelief that we were here again. Yet, this time God spoke clearly to me and said that we would be parents. Throughout 2009 I remember praying for signs from God, to confirm what He had promised me. It was in mid-spring that year, that one of the clearest signs from God I EVER received, happened. I checked out at Kroger, buying batteries or something else mundane when a Yo-Baby coupon printed out. Guys, it was like God himself had handed me a golden ticket. I have that coupon to this day in my wallet. We tried fertility treatments, we tried all natural methods, we tried vitamins...you name it, we tried it and almost went broke from it. We decided to save our money and purchase a home..while daily listening to "I'm Waiting on You Lord" and singing every word with such compassion that I'd often lose my composure. I literally remember handing my dream of being a mother to God. And nearly one year to the day of getting my "golden ticket", I was sitting in Target---with my Auntie Anne's soft pretzel and a grape soda (GAG) in my bag...that I was staring that those two BRIGHT PINK lines...I knew God had answered our prayers. My sweet Caleb made me a rainbow mother on March 3, 2011.

Our excruciatingly patient OB told us that fertility is the greatest the first year after giving birth...and by the grace of God, our precious AnnaBelle was conceived when Caleb was 8 months old and born just about 12 hours from now, on August 18, 2012. Her life is such a testament of God. When we look at our precious AnnaBelle, we see such fire and life, such joy and such love that we can barely contain our gratitude. It is such a privileged to be her mother. God certainly poureth out His cup with her life.

I would never wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy, but oh my beautiful God, thank you for the journey you've brought me on. Thank you for bringing so much joy and so much beauty from the pain. Thank you for building my faith that I may seek you first and foremost, always. Thank you for the relationships I've built and thank you for being patient when I could not see.

Seven years ago, I never would've thought that I would be sitting here on the eve of my daughter's third birthday. So my friends who are struggling with loss, battling the front lines, fighting for those dreams. God hears you, He does friend. He will bring you closer to Him and He will bring you joy. Hold on, for He has great plans for you. I'll be praying for those of you in the trenches, those of you who feel like you're alone in this. You're not, seek God, WHOLLY, FULLY, physically give it to God...and don't take it back. Sit in His grace, peace, and holiness, for it is there that you will feel His presence and it is transcending. It will deliver you from your fear and your anxiety, for they are not of God, they are of the devil trying to turn you away from God's goodness. God is there. Be still...when your thoughts are so loud you want to scream, rebuke them and wait for God's still, small voice. It may be small, but it is ALL SO MIGHTY!